"I'm never working for her again. She can't be trusted. I'm tired of putting myself through this."
My client was irate. I could tell from his voice just how much frustration and anger he was feeling. He spent the next several minutes describing how his client failed to pay him on time, wasn't returning his calls, and appeared unwilling to negotiate a new fee.
We spent the rest of our session putting words to his frustrations and identifying which of his needs his client was not meeting. Respect? Honesty? Predictability? Mutuality? Responsibility?
When I spoke with him yesterday, he mentioned he'd signed up for another project with the same employer who had caused him so much frustration and anger. When I asked him why, he said it was because of what he'd learned from our previous conversation.
Instead of focusing on the needs that weren't being met by working for his client, he began focusing on the needs that were being met. In other words, he connected with what HE was getting out of their interaction. What was he getting? Sustenance (money), predictability (regular work), community and companionship (he enjoys some of the other employees), to name a few.
When we find ourselves saying things like "he made me ..." or "I have to ..." we're focusing on the needs that aren't being met. All of our attention is on what's NOT right! In those situations, I try to help my clients shift their attention to what IS right with the situation. It changes the internal dialogue to "I'm choosing to ..., because I want ..." This simple technique has the magical effect of reframing both our mood and our attitude. It literally empowers us and puts us back in touch with the fact that we determine our reality not others.
So, next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation, instead of focusing on what you're not getting, try identifying what you ARE getting. Get clear on the reasons for why you're doing what you're doing in the first place. The answer may not only surprise you; it may help you approach the situation with greater clarity and creativity.