Tribute to a Compassionate Warrior

Nelson Mandela has been on my mind frequently these days, with reports of his failing health all over the news.  This poem apparently was one of his favorites.  A good reminder for me that no matter what the circumstance, I have the power to choose my response.  I am indeed "the captain of my soul."

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

                  ~ William Henley

Compassionate Curiosity

Early one morning, after a sleepless night, I came across the quote below while reading Daniel Siegel's book, "Mindsight." In 1950, Einstein received a letter from a rabbi desperate for advice after losing his daughter in an accident.  Here's Einstein's response:

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us, “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

— Albert Einstein

This resonated deeply with me.  During times of stress, my tendency is to withdraw and turn inwards - a pretty common coping mechanism acquired way back in early childhood.  In that contracted state, everything becomes about "me" and "my situation".  For others, stress induces an outward focus - "they" are the problem and "they" are the cause of all negativity. In both cases, I see the "optical delusion" that Einstein is referring to.  Instead of opening ourselves up for deeper connection with our universe we close ourselves off.  In an attempt to simplify the situation, we unconsciously try to distance ourselves from the perceived threat and cause of the pain.

Neurologically, of course, this makes perfect sense.  Especially in a stressful situation, our brains are wired to focus attention on things that are essential to our survival.  Our amygdala ensures that we don't waste valuable resources on energy-intensive processes such as empathy and compassion.  While this might be effective when there's a tiger in the bushes, it really isn't helpful when the stress isn't actually immediate and/or life threatening.  

The antidote to this separation impulse?  Compassionate curiosity.  As Eckhart Tolle suggests, "be at least as interested in your reactions as in the person or situation that triggers them."  Combining that curiosity with the desire that everyone be free from suffering (compassion), sets us up to move from separation back to a state of integration.  Out of the prison of delusion and back into mindful connection with our community, loved ones and the universe.  That split-second decision to be curious  makes all the difference.  

I know first-hand how difficult it is to stay connected with this intention, especially when frustrated, angry or hurt.  Einstein's eloquent words are a timely reminder for me to keep trying.  Again and again.

Practice as a Habit

“Everything is practice.”

— Pelé

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Pelé, the Brazilian soccer legend, was undeniably "great".  Not only one of the best soccer players in history (some might argue the best), Pelé was also a classy human being. His secret?  Viewing everything in life as practice.  Both on and off the field, Pelé  viewed every day experience as an opportunity for improvement.

Today, there's a field of study called "expertise and expert performance".  Scientists have long been trying to understand what enables some people to develop expertise in a field while others remain only average. The difference is due to what scientists have identified as something called "deliberate practice."

“Perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one’s proficiency.”

— Dictionary definition of the term "Practice"

"Deliberate practice" refers to breaking down a given skill into it's key components and practicing those components over and over. As a result, the "deliberate" part is as key as the "practice" part. That's why expert musicians slow down and meticulously practice the difficult sections; why expert hockey players insist on skating drills that allow them to practice their footwork; and why Ben Franklin spent so much time improving his writing skills.

How is this relevant to leadership?  It challenges us to think about how much time and deliberate effort we put into honing important leadership traits such as self-awareness, communication, impulse control, problem solving, etc.  
In his book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell describes research which suggests 10,000 hours of dedicated practice is what's necessary to become an expert at a skill.  That means about 3 hours a day for 10 years (or 10 hours a day for 3 years).  The actual numbers are less important than the scale.  Simply put, it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate proficiency at any skill (let alone expertise).

Now, back to Pelé.  Practice was not something limited to training sessions. For Pelé, practice was an attitude towards life.  I often draw on his dedication and discipline to remind myself and my clients that in order to improve an aspect of our lives (relationships, self-mastery, technical skills, leadership, etc.), we must be willing to make it a priority.  It's the only way to get better at this "beautiful game" of life.  

...and since we're talking about the "beautiful game", I've included a video of the master in action.  I hope you enjoy it!​

Choosing the Shift

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"I'm never working for her again.  She can't be trusted.  I'm tired of putting myself through this." 

My client was irate. I could tell from his voice just how much frustration and anger he was feeling.  He spent the next several minutes describing how his client failed to pay him on time, wasn't returning his calls, and appeared unwilling to negotiate a new fee. ​

We spent the rest of our session putting words to his frustrations and identifying which of his needs his client was not meeting.  Respect?  Honesty?  Predictability?  Mutuality?  Responsibility?  

When ​I spoke with him yesterday, he mentioned he'd signed up for another project with the same employer who had caused him so much frustration and anger. When I asked him why, he said it was because of what he'd learned from our previous conversation.

Instead of focusing on the needs that weren't being met by working for his client, he began focusing on the needs that were being met. In other words, he connected with what HE was getting out of their interaction. What was he getting?  Sustenance (money), predictability (regular work), community and companionship (he enjoys some of the other employees), to name a few.

When we find ourselves saying things like "he made me ..." or "I have to ..." we're focusing on the needs that aren't being met.  All of our attention is on what's NOT right!  In those situations, I try to help my clients shift their attention to what IS right with the situation.  It changes the internal dialogue to "I'm choosing to ..., because I want ..." This simple technique has the magical effect of reframing both our mood and our attitude.  It literally empowers us and puts us back in touch with the fact that we determine our reality not others.​  

​So, next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation, instead of focusing on what you're not getting, try identifying what you ARE getting. Get clear on the reasons for why you're doing what you're doing in the first place.  The answer may not only surprise you; it may help you approach the situation with greater clarity and creativity.